First things first. Have you got a tent? For goodness sake, you're camping! If you haven't got a tent, stop reading this right now, head down to the camping supplies store and get a tent. It needn't be suitable for the Arctic. This may be England but still, it does not often snow in July. As a general rule of thumb, if you're camping alone, take a two person tent, if you're with someone take a four-manner and so forth. This may not seem particularly spatially efficient, but believe me, there's not much worse than struggling for sleep with a killer headache in a space that most mice would dismiss as cramped.
So you've got a tent? Well done. Next – a sleeping bag. The disorganised among you may want to head back to the camping store now – actually, you know what? Maybe you should just read all of this and head to the shops then – it may save you some time in the long run. Back to the sleeping bag, again it does not need to be of Arctic explorer standard, as long as it keeps you warm you'll be just fine.
Now you've got the basics covered, you'll want to take the weather into consideration. This is England. (Not Sparta.) The English weather is a fickle creature, and as such should be treated with, well, disdain I suppose. During the day you may want some short sleeve shirts and a sun-hat to protect against the roiling heat of the unforgiving sun; in the evening you may want a jumper and some blankets to cope with the hellish icy chill of the bleak July nights. I jest of course! In all seriousness, GlobalGathering 2008 took place on the hottest weekend of the year, and in 2007 on the wettest, so I can suggest the essentials for either eventuality.
If it promises to be one of those long languid summer weekends again, I cannot over-emphasise the importance of sunscreen. Such a simple thing, yet so vital. I myself was a bit slack with the cream last year, and by the end of the weekend looked like a renegade lobster half-cooked in boiling water. On the plus side, having sunscreen on hand makes that old chestnut of writing obscenities with it on your friends back while he sun-bathes oh-so-more practical. Lulz ahoy! More seriously, not applying sunscreen can damage your skin and you really don't want that, not to mention you'll have a bastard-painful tan for a few weeks, so be clever. Bring sunscreen. Almost as importantly, drink lots of water. I know it is tempting to throw beer down your neck all day long, but your body will not thank you for it – and neither will your friends if they have to accompany you to A&E after you collapse with sunstroke. Water will make you feel tip-top after a rough hangover as well, so it really is the miracle drink of the future.
Clothes-wise, you want some T-shirts, possibly some shorts and a sun-hat to protest your face or neck. Bear in mind, however, that if it is beautifully clear all day it may well get chilly of an evening, so bring a light jumper or jacket. Obviously it is better for everyone if the weather is good, except maybe the lead singer of mid-90s indie group Garbage, so start praying now if you're remotely religious.
If, however, God - having decided that swine-flu and the current financial climate is not punishment enough for, erm, listening to violent gangsta-rap or whatever we did to annoy him – sends the dark doom clouds of rain, your supplies list will be quite different! Firstly: a rainjacket. You don't want to be sodden and soaked to the skin all weekend. You really don't – it is as close to hell on Earth as you can get. A lightweight but highly waterproof jacket will be your best friend, and who knows - you may even become more than friends in time. But that would be well weird and you'd probably get some funny looks, so just forget I said it. In the event of rain, you'll also be wanting some wellies. Wellies were the thing I forgot in 2007 and I cursed my giddy foolishness for the entire weekend. I improvised with several plastic bags, hiking socks and some old trainers – they weren't remotely up to the job. I have since had my feet amputated. (Note: Well, no, not really, but I just wanted to scare you into getting some wellies.) Also ensure you have extra supplies of clothes – you'll be glad of some dry t-shirts - plastic bags, to store your goodies and wet clothes and some towels just to dry yourself off before you turn your tent into the world's smallest swimming pool.
So you're covered for most weather eventualities, right? (Well barring tornadoes or blizzards, but they seem frankly unlikely.) Excellent work! A final few must-haves, or at least would-prefers: some loo roll (if you have been to a festival before, or in fact any large social event, you'll understand why) ; some pillows (because beauty sleep is important, or so I have been told, though I am yet to see the effects myself); and some snacks – quick and easy things like crisps will do just fine, unless you like your food cordon bleu, in which case, well, best of luck with that. Also you can't go too wrong with a few chocolate bars to keep your blood sugar and energy levels up, though if it's hot you'll find they turn into hot, sticky congealed slabs of unidentifiable was-once-chocolate.
OK, so it's the night before the festival. Have you got your ticket? For the love of God have you got your ticket? Yes? Good good, just checking! If you're travelling by car try and carpool as much as you can – not only will this help keep the car-park (somewhat) organised but it saves the planet or something, I don't know, I forget. As an additional bonus, you'll look really popular and people will think you're cool, even if you're not.
Well here we are. GlobalGathering at Long Marston Airfield near Stratford-upon-Avon. If you are somewhere else, boy have you made a mistake! Park up the car and start heading toward the entrances – you will be searched so have your bags handy for a quick and easy checking process, remember no glass allowed, and then you're in – it's all shits and giggles from here on in! Of course the first thing you'll want to do is pitch your tent unless you're a masochist and enjoy carrying heavy objects for long distances. Please, and it may seem so obvious but you'll be surprised how many people forget, please remember where you have pitched your tent! You may think, 'Oh, I'll be alright, it's the blue one!' Well, just see how far that information gets you at 3AM after several beers!
OK, so you've got set-up, you've met your party and you've had a few drinks: now it's time for the main event – yes, the DJs you've come all this way to see! At this point, you should refer to your event guide. It will tell who is playing, when and where. This little beauty will be a good friend over the course of the weekend, so keep it safe! If you and friends want to see different acts, it is advisable to organise a rendezvous point. The main reason for his is that the mobile phone signal is unreliable in the middle of a highly crowded airfield so you can't trust phones to work. If you get separated it will take a long time to reunite amongst the 60,000 other people there, so believe when I say a rendezvous point is common sense defined. Get me, I sound like my mother.
The festival is a two night event. On Friday night the music will stop around 2AM due to the event licensing restrictions, so Friday night is the time for the perennial festival favourite the tent party! Yes, who would have predicted that tents and beer would go together quite so damn well? Well not Lord Baden Powell anyway, that's for sure. Saturday night is the big one though, the all-night badboy that'll be flooding your memories with sentimental flashbacks afterwards as you slave away back at work on some cold November afternoon, remembering the glory-days of summer. Get as much sleep as you an on Saturday daytime to prepare for the extravagances ahead.
But there's more to GlobalGathering than just drinking, dancing and DJs though. Oh yes! On site, you'll find masseurs, you'll find chill-out zones, there'll be a funfair, secret gigs… enough to keep you on your toes and with something to do. Let the good times roll!
So now it's Sunday morning. The party's over, everyone is clearing away, and through your alcohol befuddled Sunday-morning haze you hear the voice of the steward: 'It's time to pack up!' Sorry people, I hate getting out of bed just as much as the next man, and probably more so, but when you gotta go, you gotta go! So be nice, eh – the stewards are only doing their jobs, they probably feel as rough as you, but they have to work and you don't, so let's give them a bit of respect! Besides, the sooner you pack up the sooner you can leave, and the sooner you leave the sooner you get back home and into something approaching an actual bed. It will feel like a particularly heavenly kind of bliss, trust me, and on a Sunday evening after a hard weekend's partying there ain't much better than lying in bed watching a favourite film. (My weapon of choice is Ghostbusters – you can't beat it!) Besides, after Sunday comes Monday, as inevitable as death or taxes, and unless you were sharp enough to book Monday off work (in which case, fair play!) you are not going to enjoy it. I agree with the opinion of 80's rockers The Boomtown Rats when it comes Mondays: I don't like them!
Well there you go. A hastily compiled, somewhat flippant but ultimately, I hope, slightly helpful guide on what to expect from the most unmissable, most impressive and most of all, most enjoyable festival of the Summer: GlobalGathering! Be there or be... well, somewhere else, but I'm willing to bet somewhere else isn't nearly as good! Oh, and if you do see me there, buy us a pint, much appreciated.
The 3am Party Cannibal
